Diddly Squat Farm and its owner Jeremy Clarkson have been in headlines since his farming show, Clarkson’s Farm, began last year. The farm has come up against a number of roadblocks such as council rejections to planned expansion, complaints from its neighbours, and even a prank by TV hosts Ant and Dec. But now Diddly Squat faces its strangest issue yet.
In his latest column, Clarkson has told his readers that he rented a bull to inseminate his herd of cows. But while he was expecting a little… action… the bull was much more interested in eating over anything else.
The Grand Tour presenter admitted that he’d already tried artificial insemination, but as that didn’t work, turned to the traditional, manual way of producing calves.
“I’ve rented a bull,” he wrote.
“He has testicles the size of space hoppers, and his name is Break-Heart Maestro.”
Originally the plan was to only get one cow pregnant, an all-white heifer named Pepper. But when the bull arrived he thought he’d make the most of his time on the farm.
“I figured he may as well use those hairy space hoppers to fill up all the other lady cows as well,” he added.
“With a bit of luck, he’d get them all up the duff at roughly the same time, which would make calving easier.”
But this didn’t go to plan as the bull turned his back to them, despite their obvious acceptance of what was going to happen:
“My cows came round the corner (and) their walk turned into a sashay.
“And I swear they were fluttering their eyelashes. Then the competition began.”
Despite this, it didn’t go down as well as his rams, which we saw in Season 1 of Clarkson’s Farm, Wayne Rooney and Leonardo DiCaprio.
“Break-Heart didn’t appear to be up for sex with anything,” he admitted.
“Unlike Wayne Rooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and my rams, he didn’t get on with the job straight away.
“He was playing it cool. Pretending not to be interested.
“He chewed the grass in his temporary new home and took in the views.”
Suddenly, the tables turned for Jeremy, as he watched a cow mount the bull.
“One of the cows could wait no more and mounted him…she was thrusting away like a good ‘un.
“He has been on the farm for four days now and so far, I’ve seen a lot of foreplay but no actual mating.
“Apparently, it could take a couple of months for him to do the lot.”