Recently, we’ve noticed some serious face furniture on Jeremy Clarkson as he’s been busy promoting his Diddly Squat Farm Shop on Facebook and Instagram. Fans were keen to chime in, giving Clarkson their opinions on who he looks like. Santa came up a lot as you’d expect, as did an American, and some even thought he looked like Thor, albeit, an older version.
But now, The Grand Tour presenter has had enough, and in a recent column, he explains why the huge beard has now been chopped off.
At the beginning of lockdown, the ex-Top Gear presenter decided to do some research into beards, explaining that “beards have always been for socialists, the mad and the weak.
“But in recent times they’ve become mainstream and even acceptable.”
He says that within a month, his beard became “massive”, and compared himself to Captain Birdseye meeting Santa Claus.
“But despite this,” he wrote, “friends said it suited me and that I should keep it.”
He did however have a few issues with it, which he explains. Dribble was the first issue, with Clarkson explaining that he’s quickly become a walking foodbank. “My farm manager came round for (business) drinks, he gave me a puzzled look.
“It turned out that all the mayo from my sarnie was still in my face fuzz and I simply couldn’t feel it.”
He also explains that it’s not only growing on his face, it’s sprouting everywhere:
“I haven’t seen a child since January and I fear that if I encounter one in my current state, it will assume I’m a werewolf and be very frightened.”
But his worst fears come from what other adults would think of him, not if his facial recognition on his phone doesn’t work. “They assume that I am one of them, a Corbyn-heavy socialist,” he admitted.
“I cannot wait to get rid of it, and no, I will not be shaping it first. Both my television colleagues are currently sporting goatees and I simply cannot see why. I suppose they think they look like Tony Stark (which they really don’t), but the fact is that they have to do beard maintenance every morning and then, when they’ve finished, some complicated shaving as well. That’s madness.”
He ends the column by confirming that he will be getting a facial Brazillian. And now I’m feeling queasy.