The review for The Sunday Times begins with him explaining that the UK being in lockdown has resulted in the roads near his home in Oxfordshire is now full of ramblers and walkers who have moved from London to be out of the city while the pandemic eases. But while they do this, these Londoners have become accustomed to telling drivers, such as Jeremy Clarkson, to slow down on the roads the drivers know like the back of their hands.
“For the past few months,” Clarkson writes, “the roads round my bit of west Oxfordshire have been chock-full of finger-wagging Barbour people telling the locals to slow down. Last weekend I actually stopped to check on one woman whose face was so contorted with rage, I thought she was having some kind of seizure.
“And then, on my own farm track, a man with communistical rambling tendencies stepped aside to make way for my tractor and, as I passed, he put his hands on his hips and said, indignantly: “Do you have to drive that thing down here?”
He explains that he doesn’t like being told what to do – yeah, we got that bit Clarkson – and has even resorted to telling people who ask him to slow down to “eff off back to London”.
He says the Cupra is a car that’s very similar to these walkers. It tells you how to drive,” Clarkson writes.
“It constantly measured my speed and worked out precisely when I could take my foot off the throttle so that I would coast to a smooth brakeless stop at the next junction or roundabout. “Take your foot off the accelerator,” it said. “Eff off back to Spain,” I replied, while doing no such thing.”
He explains that doing this is just a nuisance for himself and those around him, so while he did test it, he didn’t repeat it. He does however admit that he believes it’s a “good-looking little thing, full of haunches and angles and cool bronzed trinketry”. The interior doesn’t receive the same reaction however.
“Part of the problem is a sense from the moment you climb aboard that it’s not quite as well finished as a Volkswagen. The door liners feel cheap, and the door pockets and glovebox are unlined so anything in there rattles,” he explains, explaining that he didn’t like it.
“The Cupra, then, sets out to be a stylish, fun and sporty SUV but it doesn’t really work because it’s not fun or particularly sporty. I drove it back from London one afternoon and even though lockdown restrictions meant traffic was so light I did the journey in just 75 minutes, it felt as if I’d been at the wheel for a week. It was, and this is harsh, boring.”
He ends his review by explaining that while his Range Rover is undergoing repairs, he chose to walk, carrying food and other fam supplies around his land, instead of choosing to drive the Cupra. So, despite it being a 4×4, it doesn’t really do much 4x4ing, according to Clarkson. I bet it’ll sell well, though.