Jeremy Clarkson has been attending to his farm he calls Diddly Squat for over a year now, and it’s fair to say he’s had a few issues spanning from council interventions to intruders. But in a recent column, he described the latest issue he’s faced which involved a group of Duke of Edinburgh students and their teacher.
The Grand Tour presenter described it as “alarming” when he spotted the class settling down on his land where he’d recently planted turtle dove mix. This is “extremely expensive”, according to Clarkson, so obviously didn’t want it to be ruined. He explains how he has a lot of respect for the programme that was founded by the late Prince Philip, but was obviously angered by this lack of respect being shown to his land.
“I found a gang of them sitting in my garden,” he wrote.
“Some were attempting to light a stove, some were moaning about the mobile phone signal, and one was heading for my hedge with some bog roll.”
Jeremy asked if he could help, which he claimed was “farmer-speak for ‘get off my land'”.
They told him that they were in fact told by their teacher that they “should have their lunch in the garden of the biggest house they could find”. He disregarded this and offered them his farm toilets, but “some kind of supervisor” told him that it was “emphatically not OK for me to take one of them to the lavatory”. But things got worse when his tractor driver told him that this supervisor’s car was now blocking the track back to his house, so he confronted them about this.
“He summoned his ‘I know my rights’ adenoids to say that it was a public footpath, and I had to retort in my special menacing tone, explaining that you can’t drive on a footpath, or picnic on it, and that you sure as hell can’t defecate on it.”
To add insult to injury, he then received news of another group of children, and on going to see himself claimed that “the scene was alarming”.
“It looked like some kind of juvenile scat movie was in full swing,” he joked.
“They were pushing used lavatory paper into the watering pipes for my new trees.”
Of course, Jeremy had to confront this other teacher, too. “It turned out he was in the village… while it’s great that these kids are out in the fresh air, learning how to get around using nothing but abandoned teacher Peugeots as marker points, it doesn’t really help them understand the land if there’s no one around to tell them stuff.”
I’m sure we’ll find out about what happened here and much more when Jeremy and Amazon release his upcoming farming show, currently known as I Bought The Farm, later this year.